It's back on. the cycle is on. i dont know if he's doing it on purpose. or because its night time and i'm feeling more emotional than i usually am - as usual...

kal's right. abang's right. ling's right...heck.. everyone's right! i just dont see it. i mean, i do! BUT I CHOOSE NOT TO! STILL i choose this. why am i doing this to myself? its almost as if i'm doing this to myself on purpose. u know that lame-ass crap i'm always advising people? - that we have control over our lives? truth? - the truth is, that's what i want to believe and that's what i want to prove. because if that is not a justified reason, then, it's not that people have no control over themselves or their choices, it is ME! me and my weakness!!.. my obliging nature, my weak and pathetic nature that is obstructing my ability to control my choices, my feelings - generally my life.

OVER AND OVER AGAIN - TIME AND TIME AGAIN it's the same thing running through my head - why he doesnt email or sms? why he doesnt reply? why he replies? why he vanish? and why he re-appears? i'm sick of coming up with reasons for everything!+ when at the end of it all, its pointless. not worth it. 'destination'-less.

last few days have been great. hanging out with kal. abang's changed. that much i can say. perhaps, he's just stressed OUT. or maybe he's just 'distracted' with lynne here and wak imah on his back about one thing or another. i dont care (even though i very much do). i'm feeling all anxious about the exams. did i tell u that friggin' marlies failed me? she's such a bitch. hate her to death - her and her stupid fuschia bra! anyways. i feel like i'm going bonkers. in the day im this giggly person. one who seems problem-less. and then night comes and for some stupid reason, i becomes this nherve wreck. i have no way of letting all these out.

it's been 3 going on 4 friggin months .. so, why am i still stuck here?

ok.... sis-in-law wanna talk to my bro. so sweeeeett.... gosh. i'm jealous. i want to be in love too! what have i ever done wrong?

++++would have given up my life for you. guess its true what they say about love.. it's blind. i believe u coz i love u more than life. all u had to do was apologise. u didnt say you're sorry. i dont understand. dont care that you hurt me. and now i'm half the person that i used to be when it was u and me. u didnt love me enough. my heart may never mend and you'll never get to love me again. sadness has me at the end of the line. hopeless watched you break this heart of mine. loneliness only wants u back here with me. commonsense knows you're not good enough for me. all you had to do was apologise and mean it+ it's like hell i cant go back in time. maybe then i could see how. forgetness says that i should give u one more try. but it's too late. it's over now+++


u know what.at the end of it all..... it's really my fault. ---> now that it's all out of my system, im proud to say.... i'm ok now. smilexz*

ambience supported by: kal playing his guitar.