if it doesnt kill u. it only makes u stronger.

winter's back! rain. wind. hail. yeah. all the shity what-nots tt makes winter in melbourne *the-intolerable*. because i went to wak's only in my slippers and polo tee [not-so-smart-move i reckon], i had to loan fm her a jacket and a pair of shoes! melboure n' its infamous volatile weather; i know its a complex concept to grasp but if there is one thing i learnt from being here for four years, there are 4 seasons in one week; if not ONE day! yeps - summer, autumn, winter, spring. whilst singaporeans [including myself, when bk home] wish for anything but the 'hot-n'-humid' weather combo, melbourne is 'blessed' with the varieties. not-so-good if u ask me! bleurgh*

ling isnt coming to uni coz she needs to accompany sham to the docs. n' here i was lookin forward to meetin up w' her. miss our girly talks and one-to-one face time; uni seems to be the only time we see each other. well, feels tt way anyways. i find myself vulnerable to the lowwsss of life nowadays. i neither know why nor do i hv the words to describe. so dont ask. today ma emailed me n' asked me why i was in the pic w' ling n' sham. yeah. so im like a lamp-post; not MOST times. all the times. i know they dont mean it. im happy they're happy. but ma's joke just struck me. not in a hurtful way. just struck me. im prolly just jealous tt im un-rained-with-affection unlike half the world *in-love* is. the situation is not helped tt jean; my liu, my confidante and best friend [confused -"used-to-be"??] is almost; if not already, a stranger. and i wonder, what i did or said to push her away. abang; my protector and bodyguard is NV home, and urm.. yeah. so its back to sq one - talkin to myself. yipee* HAHA - it used to be so fun to talk to myself or mr. teddy or urm.. blog looooong entries. then again, if i were u, reading these words now, i wldnt read it myself!

i know im supposed to be excited, lively, joyous, living-life-to-the-max [n' all the nouns tt denotes *fun*] seeing its my last semester living my *opportunity-of-a-lifetime*, but things are just getting monotonous. its not so much boredom, but recently, its like the 'fun-ness' and 'mystifying-beauty of life' have been stolen away fm me. and what's left is only dread for next yr, fear tt i wont make it thru my final sem, and a highly likely disappointment i'd allude my family AND myself with. i feel like ive lost my urge to scream in laughter just coz im happy for NO reason whatever, ive lost my random desire to spread my arms and run in fields huggin life and all its imperfections. i dont know whats wrong with me. i just need inspiration; someone or something to push me. ok... aside from the *depreciating-finance* factor, something else to motivate me puh-lease? would it be melodramatic-ish if i say i am lonely most times? tt it kinda sux tt im either a lamp post or at home; alone busy-ing myself with this blog, playin hide-NOT-seek w' owen? if i were someone lookin in on my life i'd say: u're pathetic".

then again, as MELLIE used to always say: "if-it-doesnt-kill-u-its-only-gona-make-u-stronger!" besides, the theory is such - "as much as u want to, u can never truly rely on anyone to make u feel alive. not anyone; despite feverish promises to ALWAYS be there for u. can i say 'bullshit' to tt? sometimes i wonder if ppl utter tt phrase just to fill empty voids of silences. to make themselves sound worthy n' merely an attempt at boosting their righteosness. in truth, feeling alive is an 'inside' job." i shld really start listening to my own advices. heh=)

right. so now i am meant to have a lect but im not going. instead, im gona burry myself with research papers and start researching for my lab report for abnormal psych. i hv two assignments due next wk which i hvnt touched on. gotta read read read! toodles peoples. and yeah. perhaps the gloomy weather's responsible for my gloomy self.

kins *sad smile*