STILL.

ok. so its 1:34am and i can't sleep just yet. u wonder why. after the sleeping marathon i had in the day. so, abg and i ended up ordering in pizza and watching brian mcknight's concert on dvd. ok. that's it. that guy is the best crooner to ever live on this earth! seriuosly!!!! "still" - ask me a semester ago and i'd say i cannot listen through that whole song without breaking down, or if i were in a room with other people present, i'd find an excuse to leave the room. peter sang it on nz air as part of a program. i know that sounds cheesy but he really does have a really good voice. and although sometimes, in my not-so-positive days, i doubt he truly did love me, to know that he dedicated that song for me, is just ... sad. in a deja vu way. know what i mean?

i've grown into the habit of linking events, good and bad, with songs. which is good. yes, coz then i never forget. i hate forgetting and yet its because of this loathing towards forgetting, that has made me feel somewhat cursed. reminscing is a painful way of walking down memory lane. painful memories or happy times that can no longer be attainable except for when these songs are played, and in ur mind and heart. at my most queer-est times i cannot bring myself to play cds i made with my ex-significant others and just refuse to question myself why either. i'd be horribly haughty if i said i dont wish for those happy times back. but i'd be lying too if i said i want em back. times change and people change. even couples who reconcile after a break up share "a new love". once a love relationship is broken, all ties are broken., suddenly the person u trusted your life with becomes the stranger* of strangers. and regardless how much u wish to remain friends, its those happy moments and secrets shared during the rship - those very things that used to keep the love together, pose as walls. its saddening really. to think of how i used to share so much dreams and secrets with my exes and now, we're just... estranged?

ling and i were just discussing about this issue the other day; how our parents (especially OUR PARENTS - the sorts that emphasizes close family bonds and still insist we have saturday family days at sembawang park!) can agree on letting us go. and at 16!!! i think i analyse into situations too much. when i first came here and i was so miserable and home sick, i felt so confused that my dreams were the exact things that were making me feel miserable. i chose this path and yet i was miserable? how stupid can one be? and as accepting of my situation as i am now, sometimes i think its so bizzare that someone as "sentimentally" attached to her past can lead a life that is ever changing. its been mind boggling and im still evolving to be that person im gona be forever. but its definitely amazing how being abroad and being far away from loved ones has 'grown' me up so much. i can almost chronologically name a year that ive been here and the phase i was in, in that yr! ma's right, my coming here has definitely led me to missing a huge chunk of the sg teenage scene. its so different. but hey. what did i expect right? i am, after all, in a different country altogether. im just afraid i wont be able to fit in again.

One Last Cry - Brian Mcknight

my shattered dreams and broken heart
are mending on the shelves
i saw you, holding hands
standing close to someone else
now i sit all alone.
wishing all my feelings was gone
i gave my best to you
nothing for me to do

but have one last cry
one last cry
before i leave it all behind
i got to put you out of my mind this time
stop living a lie
i guess im down to my last cry

i was here
you were there.
guess we never could agree
while the sun shines on you
i need some love to rain on me.
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

just me - emo-ed.