get-a-grip

*in-uni* = ive got one more assignment before term break; which im torn b/n looking fwd to n' not - because it'll mean its a mth to exams n' goin bk 4 gd! i mean, THAT'S IT. IM DONE. 4 yrs here n' i am finally done! yes. things arent turning out as i planned when i 1st came here. but i am finally done? i mean hallo! ive always planned this n' that for "when-i-am-done-w'-uni". but "when-i-am-done-w'-uni" is finally coming n' it scares the shit outta me tt i actually hv to fabricate all my plans. n' what if i fail? what if i dont make the cut? what if after all the years here, the money spent on me, i STILL cant attain my dreams?!!

renown to all, i am petrified at the thought of exams! worst - tis is possibly the 1st time tt i have 5 exams, n' all r' psych subjects! as it is, ONE is enough. fm past experiences, ONE psych exam leaves me sleepless for 3 consecutive days, a walking time bomb of paranoia, possibly 20-ish cups of coffee and 3 puke-ing sessions. what of FIVE psych EXAMS!!!! im so afraid!! scared! deliriously petrified!

i HAVE TO pass everything bloggie!!!! n' my low self-esteem, the massive work load, my obvsiouly-lower-than-everyone-else' intellect arent helping! its not an "iF-i-pass". or "its-ok-as-long-as-i-do-my-best". NONO* i have no alternatives other than "i-hv-no-choice-but-to-pass-everything" becoz ma n' pa cannot possibly continue supporting my education, n' EVERYONE expects me to pass; expecting my return to sg, get a gd job n' play the loyal, filial, smart, perfect daughter/ sister/ person.

i slipped last yr bloggie - when i decided f*it. its my life. my rules. my failures. my success. my future. n' noone was gona tell me how to live my life. MY LIFE! tt bullshit of a theory: "u-are-ur-own-person"? it dont apply no more. im so afraid of not making the cut. more scared of running because i know it'll just smack me in the face one day.