time: 7:57am
music: vindicated - dashboard confessionals
mood:
singing.
ok.
i just remembered how much of the-elitist n' arty-farty this bloggin business is.
lets just say im more of a conversationalist who finds writing in broken words
culturally de-imperialising and thus far more liberating.
poetry n' subtle images {{figuratively}} via linguistic gymnastics appeal to me.
these words are mine.
lately, i have somehow, SOMEWAY
pressed a 'pause' button on my life n' froze all things social.
i know i shld start living life. n' cease all philosophical manufacturing.
kals spring cleaning his rm. ika's reading cleo!
she's growing up too fast.
yesterday she asked me the meaning of f**k.
godsmack! i cldnt watch FRIENDS at her age n' had a bedtime of 8pm!
my hp's really quiet.
i almost see no pt in having one.
today. might be hangin out with dee. i think? n' farah? ruzi?
ling has already been booked by her mama.
but we might bring our lil sibs to the movies tmr.
i really think it will be oh-so-cool if i dye my hair shocking pink.
n' freak mama. ultimateawesomeness! =)
but then again. i love the part where im constant n' a serial non-deviant.
i also love the part where i cannot be bothered to take the extra step to ...
be meticulous?
ive been drawing lines upon lines,
forming this quaint little heart
n' ive been doing so for hours upon hours.
the ink in my pen has run dry from use
now all that remains is this love laced motif so unadulterated.
so juvenile. so real but so ..
so unlike me or anything i have ever experienced
tubes full of sloppy goo that erraticates all traces of soreness
from fresh ink put in skin as a reminder of you.
engraved n' tattooed.
that you will always n' always be a part of me
f o r c e d - to always n' always be a part of me.
u were the ones that got away. sort of.
but before u went away,
i got to hold ur hand and give you fish lip kisses
u gave ur hearts for me to break
so u can thoroughly learn the word
d i s t r u s t
no. i didnt do all the things i said i would
but not because i didnt want to my darling
simply because i couldnt.
simply because i really think my going will leave u a happier life.
if u didnt get why when i left,
if u didnt get why i was brutal.
t'wasnt because i didnt want to stay my darling
simply because i couldnt.
simply because i really think my going will leave u a happier life.
AND. really, if u think about it,
not a promise i made was left undone
they were all just a lil under-nourished
all fulfilled. BUT, just in an indirect way
I said i'd love you forever
{{but i know u know I still do}}
I said I would never hurt you
{{my undertone said "physically"}}
I said i would make you happy forever and ever
{{dhoh! thats what memories are for?}}
now your stickers remain on my noticeboards
n' our pictures stuck on my walls. still.
no. they're no longer colourful;
just black and white memories
dont worry. ur words so colourful still remain on my lips
just in case we ever speak again this is also an advance apology.
only because; my eloquence isnt near what it used to be
n' because ..
there is a high probability i will lie.
coz i really dont want to wreck my meticulous planning.
my d.copperfield-worthy; 'disappearing act'
or take the risk tt i might change the plot of our story
its meant to be that we're not meant to be.
well, dont u worry.
i'll make it really easy for u n' still smile.
thought u have to know, i am *secretly hoping
fervently praying .. that..
after all these times apart, u've forgotten.
i tell my story through my eyes.
or perhaps, somehow,
after i fired u as "my-personal-shrink-n'-narrator",
u have forgotten how to read me.
n' then, i hope u realise that maybe.
just maybe u diddnt know me after all.
n' that, what we had was never real
we were just too young. too stupid. too eager
for what we share to have been "real love".
n' then. i hope u think i was so not worth the heartache.
n' u'd thank your lucky stars i was insane for tt one second,
to pull the plug n' let us go.
of course i'll read all these through your eyes.
then i'll listen to our love songs
n' pretend i was in love all over again.
spin and spin to the pt where i will have to swallow my puke
before i let myself realise THAT. in fact!
ive been alone all along.
but. u know? u know?
after thinking it through n' through, i've realised that,
the reason that i am how i am now
is after all quite transparent, ridiculously simple,
not to mention really lucid:
its really because.
i dont have you
the biggest fan of my pretty words ....
so. what do u think of these words??
no. they arent for who u think it's for.
