time: 5:08am
music: seputih hati- agnes monica
mood:
-pensive-
seputih hati ini, semurni cinta ini.
merekar, mewarni kasih.
ku harapkan balasmu,
hulur tangan peluk diriku
kekasih, dekap la daku...
dalam malam kita berjanji
apa yang akan menghalangi
tetap cinta ini akan terjalin
seputih hati ini ...
*****
u know, there's something perpetually sad about melayu songs.
as in: profoundly-sad; emotionally-sad.
something intangible n' special; in almost a magical way
- tt touches my soul, without my even knowing why,
or perhaps even without me,
fully understanding the connotations the lyrical context tt a song might imply.
n' the funny thing is;
i reckon,
the naturally mystical nature of the bahasa,
its intricate poetic syntax,
AND the additional inadequacies in the command of my mother tongue,
have made melayu songs immensely beautiful for me.
something about the syntax of the bahasa intrigues me and excites the imperialised status of my melayu being.
n' this i find a reverant experience. one tt has sufficiently humbled me to my roots.
but that's the bahasa. the melayu language;
n' my relationship with it, is a complex one:
an elusive medium that has been dangled enticingly before me
BUT, never within my grasp;
one that has me, looking-in,
BUT, never within-it myself.
n' i think, in the past,
that invisible barricade tt has kept me from fully understanding
has left me frustrated,
n' perhaps has even led me to relinquish any attempt to understand at all.
i know. i know.
NO amt of excuses can justify my forfeiting of my "inheritance".
thing is, however much i seek refuge in the english language,
i still secretly, have always felt somehow a hypocrite.
to being a "melayu" in an opinionated society such as the Singaporean one,
BUT not have a gd command of my bahasa {{melayu}}.
to being a "javanese" by heritage,
BUT not have ANY command AT ALL, of the bahasa {{indonesia}}
moreover, having come from the truest javanese heritage,
{{as in, BOTH my parents had grandparents who came directly on the boat from java}}
i hv been guilty of having had no interests whatsoever in the past,
of the language, culture or the unique slang of the indonesian-javanese language.
i mean, c'mon! i have enough difficulties with my bahasa melayu!
to master n' understand the indonesian language, my "real" mother tongue
is... unthought of!!!
so the indonesian language OR the bahasa has remained a mystical realm in my life;
a beautiful but inacessible identity.
dont u think its funny though?
tt it has taken me this long to want-to-know.
n' ironically, tt my interests are born here, where i am now:
the furthest anyone can be from "home",
-abroad in a westernised country,
n' without the presence of the family to accentuate the importance of traditions.
my impending return back home,
n' the visitations during hari raya, i am sure,
will place me in a spot of inquiry by narrow-minded folks who are set in their beliefs to "incacerate" their children till marriage; based on the idea tt a 24/7 surveillance would ensure minimum deviance on the part of the children.
silly really because there can never be a 24/7 surveillance. n' if the children want to "deviate",
there are resources available even back home.
although, previously, EVEN i had succumbed into believing what people say about international students:
- that we lose ourselves amidst the exhilirating western cultures.
- that we take advantage the total freedom
- that we will return "home" liberated n' ready to discard "tiresome" traditions
i am not implying i have been an "angel" all my four years here.
but if studying abroad is one thing, it is a "self-identification" experience.
learning the wrong from right on ur own, through experiences.
not from hearsay. or others' experiences.
being abroad has time n' again left me reeling, questioning n' often puzzled.
again, i am not implying studying abroad is highly recommended;
it certainly has its pros and cons {{as with everything in life!!!}}
NOR am i implying tt i now know myself through n' through.
because knowing oneself is a life-long education insititution.
HOWEVER, "liberated" - that i am. in all senses where accepting myself, my heritage, my family n' generally, who i am in the past, the person i am whilst typing these words now n' the person i wanna be, is concerned.
i am definitely more open to accepting myself {{defects n' all}},
i am definitely less judgmental {{on my values as well as others'}}
i am definitely more grounded...
the world is a biased playing ground
and we succumb to its logic all the time.
the usage of heuristics have been coded into our DNAs as lazy shortcuts to making generalizations.
hence the stigmas endowed on the people in the malay society n' the malay international students.
or on any other peoples in any other cultures.
well. its friggin 5:31am n' im too tired to begin a new debate on the dangers involved in stigmatizations. gdmorning gang! i have a long day ahead of me.
