time: 7:18pm
music: tears in heaven - eric clapton
mood:
-melancholy-
because here, in its Eden,
time's hand had not laid a finger,
not daring to, only perhaps in reverence for its nature.
it is not of our world, this place.
but rather, somewhere between here and the next.
i wonder if this is true? .
that, it is not our world, this place
but somewhere between here and the next.
n' i find myself questioning "reality"
because, often, isnt it "fantasy"
or rather, the mingling of "fantasy" and "naturalism",
tt seems to be the only way in dealing with problems?
needless to say, my four years abroad,
my untimely freedom n' my premature independace
have in advertly, initiated the birth of theories on how to live life:
they are as such:
(1) i had believed a 'longer-than-forever' exists.
(2) i had believed that the only way to live life is to not plan.
(3) i had believed in love.
(4) i had believed in friends for life.
(5) i had believed tt humans are receptive creatures who'd reciprocate.
(6) i had believed in happy endings.
(7) i had wanted, surprisingly, to live a parallel life fm my family.
****
i had always stood my life on a shelf.
setting myself vulnerable; the way an unborn child is implacable.
only looking. never involved.
funny. looking back, i cannot even remember a time i lived life for its moments.
only living for that moment a few moments later.
perhaps, this is where i have wronged.
just perhaps. this is why,
every single time i think i know,
i dont.
****
today, my blood ticked like the clock on my wall.
as i removed the posters from my plaster wall,
packed my bags, n' decided which of my prized possessions to discard.
it was a sad event. possibly the saddest since .. well, since.
it finally dawned on me;
my impending departure from the only life i have truly learnt.
i wonder sometimes if it is harder on mama n' papa.
to let me go when i was just at the mere age of 16; still a child
n' to receive me back now at 20, almost, if not already an adult.
i wonder if they realise the significance the past 4 yrs living alone has on me.
yet, somehow, i feel like it would be impossible for ma especially,
to grasp the notion tt she has possibly missed out on my most important yrs.
being away from home. from,
the warmth
the simple fun
the timeless love
the annoying
the nagging
the blithe moments
n' just knowing tt you're a part of something tt actually make sense in this probabilistic world we live in,
it has left me utterly humbled.
n' truly understand tt 'the simplest things in life are for free'
i love u ma.
i love u pa.
i love u kals.
i love u ika.
