time: 11:29am
music: i miss you - cranberries.
mood:
-sad-
people say that together we were both sides of the same coin.
that we would shine like venus in a clear night sky.
we thought our love could overcome the circumstances
but my ambitions wont allow for compromise
i could see in the distance all the dreams that were dear to me
and the choice that i had to make left you on your own
somewhere the road we started on had split us somewhere
too late to realise how far apart we've grown..
... and in my life there's a love that i put aside
coz i was busy loving something else
and so for every lil thing u hold on to
you gotta let something else go...
"shoulda woulda coulda" - beverly knight
*****
my walls look bare without my multi-coloured cut out hearts,
my walls look bare without my list-of-assignments-semester-2,
my walls look bare without my exam timetable,
my walls look bare without my montage of pictures of the people i love,
my walls look bare without my collection of movie billboards,
my walls look bare without my poster of ben mckenzie,
my walls look bare without ....
well, my walls are bare!,
n' what left, are only the residual sticky bits from sticky tape yanked too fast,
which i HOPE my aunt would not notice. {{pls dont let her notice!!!!}}
it has been a sad event.
to throw away lil things that has made up my 4 yrs here.
but... this nomadic life ive been leading,
you know, to have radical changes take place every other semester.
this emotional-rollercoaster ride ive been on,
you know, losing the people i thought i was going to love forever.
the drama. the love-with-all-your-might, the-live-n'-let-live n' then, the-let-go.
it has been too taxing an experience for four years.
n' "fate" is right again; it is time for me to leave.
and it isnt because my parents want me back.
nor because ive incurred too much financial damage to them.
it isn't just because i miss my family n' friends like crazy!
but because i want to go back.
regardless, melbourne will always be a "home" for me
this place in my heart. this place where i fell apart. n' learnt to stand my ground.
and in my 20 years of life,
possibly the only place ive ever tasted life n' lived.
truly lived for what life has to offer..
****
on a brighter note!!
the past four years has been an amazing experience
the people ive met. the things ive seen. the emotions i have felt,
if given a chance, i would not have done it any other ways.
"what's done cannot be undone" - MacBeth
granted, alot of things have happened that i am torn between wishing it didnt;
n' knowing tt without them happening, i wouldnt be this person i am now.
alot of people, i know. i have made friends with.
i have shared bonds with. shared lives with,
these people embedded forever in special places in my heart;
whom i will love forever.
i hope they know who they are.
that belief we used to live by:
that love is enough for a happy ending.
but as we have learnt, there is no happy ending.
n' JUST love is never enough.
because there's the real world. n' there's commitments.
there are dreams n' aspirations. n' when life takes over,
nothing can remain the same.
but we took tt chance. im glad we did.
im glad tt we lived a life together once upon a time ago.
n' u know, once-upon-a-time is good enough for me.
that theory we used to belief in:
tt we are just puppets, with strings pulled in the direction fate wants us to go.
tt we are just players of a huge tragedy tt has been set on a repeat mode.
how we incessantly complain about not having enough friends;
and taking for granted our presences in ea others' lives;
not realising WE ARE the only friends we needed.
that philosophy you had:
about not planning life n' letting go.
i realised then i had planned too much and u taught me to let go.
life was colourful when it wasnt pre-painted with plans. and plans.
but i also realised afterwards that "life is when preparation meets luck"
u can never not plan. never not prepare.
but, u know what's funny? i realise something.
tt its a cyclical process of self-fulfilling prophecies. for my part anyways!
you know how there's that saying? - "you never know where life will take you" -
u see, a year ago, i was enrolled in fiction writing electives.
in which i had to compose a few short stories as assignments.
"till tomorrow", where "my" dreams first got stained by reality. "You'd think that after so many days spent dreaming about going beyond this place, I would be prepared for that day. But, I had no idea how my dream would change my life but it did that day. I decided tomorrow would be a long long day. Because, tomorrow, I... was to spread my wings and fly from this sweet nest in search for a new life, to discover what the world has to offer. Till tomorrow.."
"lovefool", where my character abandoned her family for love, only to realise that in life, "just love is never enough". "If only her parents had just accepted him! ...If only he hadn't left her alone so many nights and if he could have simply told her he loved her more often... She can't understand why everything had gone wrong. What had gone wrong? What happened to the dreams I had contrived of us living happily ever after? The flawless days I saw us together. All I wanted was for us to grow old together, happy. I felt no warmth, no love, and no emotions. Perhaps, I was just a hollow personage..."
"the lunatic, the lover, the poet", a story about four individuals. misinterpretations of love n' the wreckage of friendships. that, "life hapens when you're busy making plans" - John Lennon. "I'm fine. I will be fine." He finally said. And then, he was gone. As I stood by my husband's side, playing the role of the faithful wife. I realised the folly of my infatuation and my determination to live a fairy tale love story. I had failed to see the fairy tale that was right in front of me all those times..."
n' to re-read them all again,
its amazing!
i can almost pick my characters to reflect the real persons in my life.
n' my endings! - it is as if, i knew what was going to happen!!!
its surreal!
ultimately, i guess i shld just feel lucky.
that being "the-writer" permits me the ability, gives me the chance ...
to live life twice.
n' who gets to do that, but the writer her/himself?
