subject: and when i shall die...
time: 11:03am
music: L-O-V-E - nat king cole.
mood: optimistic.

".. and when i shall die,
take him and cut him into little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine,
that all the world will be in love
with night,
and pay no worship to the garish sun..."

i can quote all the works of bill shakespeare tt has ever existed.
but it is when ur confronted with the enormity of your fear in the dead of the night,
and you're all alone in your room; when literature. philosophy n' all the what nots lose all magic,
so.. no. they cannot vanquish your demons.

to keep to the traditional "dear-diary/bloggie" ways.. here goes:
today i woke up at 9.
unlike my usual roll-around-swish-swashing-my-face-in-my-vanilla-scented-pillows-n'-tangling-my-limbs-w'-my-pink-candy-sheets,
i got up n' showered {{i have to rem to buy shampoo n' conditioner later}}.
hair in my towel, i went down to make my normal cuppa; set the kettle of water to boil, n' flipped to the mtv channel while waiting for the anticipated click - {tt'll signify tt the water is boiled}.
i watched the christmas song by the band aid 20, n' surprised myself by crying when starved-skinny-tummy-bloated-african-kids came on the screen.
suddenly, my problems became secondary n' i seriously considered tt volunteer job mama told me about. its nothing massive but i wanna help. really.
i think tt idea made my day today.
it had come to this: 4 yrs pursuing my dreams, i've lost my reasonings.
i want so badly to work in research international. i wanna do reports n' do spss all my life.
pls give me tt job?.. pls?

a friend yesterday commented on my writings n' requested i "compose" a song.
he wants to listen to my voice n' read about my day.
but this is my day. these are my words.
not poetic jargons. not lyrics. just me, then random thoughts sprayed carelessly in incomplete sentences across this tiny rectangle box {{as opposed to the enormity of my problems - at least tts what my intricate mind suppose}}. i am amazed! i just thought of another parady! -- tt this goes to the massive vacumned world called the internet! voila...
dont get it? dont worry. me neither.

u know how it feels? just yesterday, i felt like i've figured out my life.
-the things i fear. the workings of my intricate mind. n' what i want from life.
what i fear is myself. my self-destructing ways n' my stubborn mind
my scathed heart n' my restless soul.
my intricate mind - i worry for its state of contradiction {for a variance of life matters}.
what i want from life is for tt spontaneous zest of happiness be returned back to me.
i'll laugh at nothing n' do jumping jacks::i wont take it for granted. i promise!
its saddening la.. tt lately, i start my days with enthusiasm;
resolute n' adamant in making this day the beginning.
but then, by nightfall, i am looking forward, more than anything to seeking refuge beneath my covers,
so i may pray for faith to replace where fear has nestled when i wasnt looking.
i keep my lights on until it is impossible to stay awake any longer but I wake up, startled, in the middle of the night.
the bedside clock tells me it is dawn n' i feel instantly relieved.
u can't stay mad at the rising sun - its too beautiful.

sometimes i forget how to write. i suppose i over-think things n' end up with 3 massive paragraphs of jargons n' not ending up saying what i started out wanting to say.
what i want to say to anyone who bothers to read these words is; dont leave..

gtg feed my whinning lil sister {who is a parasite n' depends on anyone n' everyone who remembers she's the youngest, n' hence eternally invalid, n' of course whoever willing to think her cute} bla bla bla.. i wish i were the youngest. so i can eternally be cute too. =/