time: 3:33pm
music: closest thing to crazy - katie melua.
mood:
spreading.love.
hello all. its been rainning-sweets n' i,
i have been the uninspired, sleeping through my days.
running from anything serious. anything emnating the breathe of life.
n' divulging in rocky road ice-cream. coffee to stay awake
n' playing nanny to the sick little one.
all these,
instead of emailing MOE or at least do something tangible?
like urm.. my assignment?
im afraid.
as disorganised as i can be, ive always had a plan.
this and that next wednesday OR next friday's test.
next week's dinner date or going back to sg.
something or the other to look forward to.
and now.. having no plan erks me out beyond colossal measures.
no more part time jobs missy! no more make-dos with anything tt pays.
because. with a blardy degree,
there's that expectation that i will HAVE TO HAVE a respectable, good paying job.
n' im scared shitless of the gnawing feeling within the recesses of my guts,
tt i'd just have to settle for something way way way waaaayyyy below my own expectation! much less everyone else'.
someone asked me.
for all the great things ive been doing with my writings.
why can i not empower thyself? only fairy tales n' tragedies.
sophocles. edgar allan poe n' mary poppins.
the tragedist. the poet n' the oh-bubbly one.
for now, you see there had to be a compromise.
and i resolved it to mean that i can only write in secrecy.
hide my brilliance and learn the art of hypocrisy.
perform this character which i've carefully sculpted out of imaginations of a filial muslim melayu daughter.
n' i will live through her,
shape her misgivings, give her a name and live.
i know her too well now.i have become her
and she has become me.
i stall. sit n' wow as the world pass me by.
these all.. i've done all my life.
only living for tt moment a few moments later.
n' i doubt if i'd ever grown throughout my life's experiences.
for, every moment is dedicated to finding a resolution,
to make peace with the villains themselves.
n' then! yesterday proved my need to stop running n' live.
stop kin! stop over-thinking. always afraid.
playing it safe n' doing anything to keep me running. never confronting.
the last time i didnt think, i was heartbroken for a good half of the year.
the last time i didnt think, i lost some friends n' almost also lost my family.
n' all my life. it has been running n' hiding behind my composed-words.
the art of procastination just has no place in this fast-paced world.
and i think i've realised the root of my problems.
my diary-confiding ways.
massive events tangle the webs of my heartstrings n' i run.
to pen. to write. then stash away my words for noone else to see.
cept' for me. one day while i dwell n' reminisce.
nono. not blogging.
- "diary-confiding" in essence really refers to confiding in something with no intentions whatsover in permitting another human being into your deepest thoughts.
in the midst of 'the edge of reason', i realise this.
about 2months back, my aunt n' i got to discussing about the repurcussions of dear-diary-ing.
the averse effects that have been found to correlate to diary-confiders.
we. as a population are less trusting. less social n' often, the lack of ability in confiding.
n' u see.. i think i really do have this problem.
i keep waiting for tt special someone who'd keep me from running;
to provide me a reason to stop dear-diarying. because he's trustworthy enough.
who'd sit me down and say "look. its ok. u dont have to run. just live and i'll be here to catch u as u fall".
i keep waiting for tt one who i'd have this instant connection with. and i wouldnt have to speak a word. he'd just know.
but. in the past, noone, but i have wondered why..
it was always so much easier i tell someone how i really feel in written-letters 2mths after i felt whatever?
n' that high possibility that the only way i truly really communicated with my significant others in the past were through letting them read my diaries or much thought-in letters.
saddening huh? i think so too.
i really think, it has come to this.
this problem n' my inability to,
at the spur of the moment display my utmost feeling spontaneously.
and it is especially with whatever's happened in my love stories the past 4yrs,
tt has left me shying away from anything that necessitates commitment..
im beginning to think my inability to speak.
only to listen n' play the "wise one",
were the flaws n' gaping holes in my past love stories.
i would like to apologise for the inconvenience caused.
i really am working at my insecurities now. but thanks anyways ...
at least u were there? =)
