subject: i hate.
time: 8:32am
music: dibalas dengan dusta - audy
mood: perturbed.

i have my moments.
[x] the happy ones where i'd jump arnd like a schnizzit to "hey mickey" or "stupid cupid" in the seclusion of my rm. [x] the sad ones where i'd cry rivers to every sad thoughts i cld possibly conjure in tt span of say 1/2hr? [x] the pensive moments where i write paragraphs of random nonsense at the top of my head n' publish it here for the world to read.

but this is the one w' me, trying (and i know, in vain) to organise.. myself.

HATE.
above all the superficial things i hate about myself,
i have decided, most of all: i hate being weak and obliging; i end up agreeing with everything like a doll-head w' no opinion of her own. i hate that this means that in both rships i'd ever been in, i never spoke my views, frustration builds over time n' whaddaya know (ha-ha), i'll eventually reach a stage where i just walk away w' no proper explanation watsoever. nice. i hate that im not fussy or bossy; i get over-writed n' decisions made for, alot. n' i hate that. i hate that everyone i know have faith in me and that faith is eliminated by my not having faith in myself - so, really, it doesnt matter even if ghandi or mother theresa think i can suceed. i hate that i am never able to outwardly show anger; i just walk away. i hate that i freeze n' panic and am never composed. i hate that im shy n' my mouth becomes glued. i hate that i get intimidated, i panic and then i'll freeze (or both silmutaneously). i hate that i have zilch confidence. i hate that sometimes, because of all these i hate about myself, i feel i cannot ever suceed. i hope i dont sound the typical angst teenager. firstly cos im not a teenager no more (almost an adult) and secondly, cos im not angst. im just... frustrated with myself (not the world. ok?). it has been one yr n' still ongoing of "figure-myself-out" time, n' im still the same weak person who yields to do everyone but herself favours.

i wish i cld organise my thoughts/ theories/ issues-i-thought-i've-figured-out, into those $25 ikea partitions so, i'd know where to find references for different situations life calls for, n' associate those theories with reality. yes, i know, the world is a cruel place. and, with those high-in-the-sky aspirations i have, i realise i'd have to be a bitch to lodge my placing in the higher society. (pardon the choice of expression of speech; or lack-of). then there's the very very very very screwed up philosohies i had unconsciously, unawarely, ignorantly forged into my mind in the tragic drama of the entire of last yr. they've served their purposes in helping me move on.

but here, now, they've presented themselves as cynicism.

they have always taught me
that love is to be let free.
not locked behind doors, or any such thing.
i'd spin into a bright lit well of love with him
and they told me that
our love will soar like a kite
if it be based on sincerity n' trust.
so i was intoxicated
with storybook ideals of faith.
the faith which will carry me through
when left alone in this room.
cos i know im not alone.

but none of you remembered to tell me
that too much freedom
will snap the string and scar the pretty sky.
now that the wind carried it too far away,
will any one of you
find it for me
and bring it back home?
or at least
close the door for me
as you leave...?

**
you know what?
forget i said those..
heck. im not going to delete this entry
cos in say a wk, i'd be as confused. i wld need a reference on what to feel. it must be the early morning ruminating.
im spewing nonsense.
ha-ha. i hope noone will accuse me of being *dark.

Alas! alas!

For now when the world is just rising from slumber and sleeping elsewhere, there is a light fog in the air that gives everything a dreamy hue.


Good morning.