time: 10:50am
music: you're my everything - santa esmeralda.
mood: hungry.
the only frontier left unaccessed is that of intangibles and fantasies.
but, when words spill over to the next page and end two lines later, give me a book with empty pages after the last word so i bleed my own story and construct a reality as complete and utter.
you must be incredibly intelligent to have gotten this far but you are fake through and through. i would know. i am you and i see you plead my silence in the mirror. my mask, my love, my talent lies within me. and all these within me, i can make any story possible.
i will draw my own maps and call mountains.
no, not mountains but lakes of tears,
call lakes splashed on calenders of thousand years,
call love blind and you its' fool.
i shall do the sinfool, and make a promise,
one that will call me abide my own rules.
alter my world, construct and deconstruct. i will architect without any license or degree, make a building of the ugliest rocks and call it the first wonder, six still pending, none waiting for approval from anyone but myself. in my dreams, time will stand still and wait for me because it does not exist, except my subjective logic and i. above all, i will remind myself to live and live (in case i forget).
***
some things are better left unsaid. when conversations start to get too melodramatic for comfort and belief and every phone call seemed forced and the lines you say sound rehearsed, i'm better off just watching the television, i'm better off just reading journals and believing every single thing i read, word for word, swallow all the shallow, contrived bullshit. i am better off without any of you.
today she said i had them worried; my fragile state. not many knew but they did. she said i looked sad, dazed and spaced out alot some months. i shudder to think of those times, it hurt so much, and so bad, i really just wanted to disappear; to die. and looking back, im amazed i didnt seek solace in a rship (again) and run (what im really good at!). i guess i cldnt see beyond the hurt. else i would have seen him. and things wld have worked out. believe it or not ive only just started to let them all back in and i am blissfully aware i havent felt that much anger since... .. well, since. somehow, "it" just faded within time - i must have trapped "it" in between the sands in my hourglass.
to: ling.liu.abangwin.rasul.sham.farid.umar
hi. how have u guys been? i hope, wherever u are, life has been treating u gd. i guess "this" is to tell u, i really really miss you guys. i miss the "ala", "the fuuyooh!", the "ahh! bomb", dinners together, movie marathons and those two days (easter cup). i want to thank all of u, for pulling me out of my troubles. i was spiraling into an infinity of darkness n' u guys pulled me out of it. i am doing alright here. lings is doing gd too (she misses u guys too! we spend hrs talking about old times!). anyways, i am painfully aware, things will never be the same but i really hope we'd be able to one day, set aside our differences, sit in starbucks (the one on swanston - preferably the couch area), warmed with our laughters, each other companies n' coffee to talk about the mundane lives we lead without one another. we cld maybe even talk about that time when i cooked the spaghetti too spicy (well, when i cooked my everything spicy!) .. i miss you guys.. we'll meet again. im sure.
much love,
'baby sister', kin*
**
"the dream"
something so simple
a syllable or two
could change everything
could bring me to you.
we met in a dream two nights ago. t'was winter again. i could tell because i had my snowy white coat on. all was as it was; the pWetty tree-lined street, the bluebird blinds rolled up high, n' despite the cold, the window slightly ajared in my vanilla scented room. the kitchen smelt the funky - there are remnants of yesterday's dinner on the table (still). over my senses, i listened to the television turned up high n' he was watching, sat in my ratty green beanbag. alone. like he'd been waiting for me. we'd made a date we've planned in dreams. so we stood 5 feet apart n' it hurts just a tiny bit - those sporadic pinches of pain with every word we spoke. as two hearts; not one. the good thing is, i think i have accepted the way things have to be. the bad thing of course; is the fact that i think i may still miss him. and that's something i cannot leave unwritten. i dont think i ever wanna see him again. and that's a sad thing to realise.
**
"you paint me a smile on my face"
right. i went on a hiatus there.
apologies for rushed entries the past few days. it seemed like i was always rushing off to be somewhere else, OR just too blardy tired to perform any form of linguistic gymnastic stunt*.
so today, thanks to a musically manifested greed, lappie is lagging at such lighting tortoise-speed that i cannot keep up with him. how so very annoying.
aside from an unforseen revelation, a ridiculous pact, n' my sudden obsession (again) with liquifying worths of love ballads, the life has been gd.
a few highlights of the past few days:
- raya haji was spent at nyai's. the mountains of friend wings and sambal tumis.. oh the food! oh galore! hehe. =)
- kampung trip cancelled cos paman zali had to work, so i met up with sue, huiwen and dee. it was awesome fun n' we were hit again by the very very sad fact that singapore is perpetually devoid of anything "fun" to do (that dont require money spent).
- i bought a dior lippy instead of tt chanel one (it was out of stock). i know! kill me!
- last night, i watched 'alfie' with lis n the brother.
p/s: alfie is highly recommended for chauvinictic, detached, glib tongued men to watch.
i miss my cousins. i miss melbourne city. i miss my used-to life. and how so very pwetty it can be when all the lights are lit up and we sit by the peaceful yarra river counting stars. it could be cold, but as i remember, the friends kept me warm. i miss those.
i'll end it here. dee-bestie is here. we're goss-ing n' im way too distracted to be coherent.
have great days wurvies..
this has been shnizzitskin* toodlies!
