subject: your personal shrink *winks*
time: 8:43pm
music: -im watching 'charmed'.
mood: happily tired.

***i thought these, in the few hrs i spent commuting from one end of sg to the other:
i want someone intense like me, hopelessly romantic like me, asylum-crazy like me. i want someone who has seen these lies and lived these lies, spoken them with closed eyes and guilt-heavy heart so they will never do it to me. i want someone to fall so hard, so deeply in love with my intensity that love will be a dark empty well with no neon green boxes blinking exits. i want my heart to imprison liars and lovers, scar them so every lie will be left unforgotten. i want to fall in love with them again and again, morning to night. i want to lose the fight, i want to surrender. this deadly icicle of promises and fixation - i want love to pierce me and fall deeper and deeper and deeper everyday into a well with no ropes and no ladders. i don't want any saviours. this will be a picture of a dream of a dream of a dream.

speaking of dreams...

i had an amazing day today.
because this is gona be a massive entry,
here's a tip for proof-readers*,
i am a step to living a dream. =)

this morning, rather than the usual *mum-nagging-incessantly-to-get-us-to-wake-up-for-subuh* to get me up, i woke up at my own accord - which by me, served my first big accomplishment of the day. solat-ed, (EVEN) had breaky w' the parents, n' once everyone (except kal, cos he went out later than me) had left for work/sch, i started taking the whole choosing what to wear issue more seriously. *what shld i wear?* -this i wondered as i looked on the pile of clothes i had so sloppy-ly flung into a mountain in the corner of my rm. i finally chose a *sick-green pants (the one i shld have bought two of because it was so blardy cheap) n' an almost translucent top (with lining of cos!). spent maybe 1/2hr before the mirror, made me-self all pwetty-pwetty, and put on my "intellectual-psychology" look. 8:18am (i remembered cos i looked) and i was off, on what was to be the oucome of:

* my parents over hundred thousand dollars on me
* all those all-nighters doing laboratory reports,
* 3 consecutive semesters cursed with marlies,
* 24 examinations i'd walked out of exam halls w' the fear i wld fail,
* 4-years in aussie,
* 2 heartbreaks
**AMONGST OTHER THINGS!***

the journey to SGH went without hiccups. "change at jurong east n' on to outram park" - i reiterated to myself ma's directions. easy stuff. =) surprise*surprise* i found my way to SGH fine, and then to blk 4, level 8 with not much difficulty. alot of walking though (my legs are aching like a bitch). aside from (still) feeling the after-effects of a slpless night two nights before (doing my labbie), n' airborne butterflies tsunami-ing in my tummy, i made it to the 8th level just fine. all the time it took to level 8, i'd recited my prayers profusely, finally composed myself enough, before pressing the buzzer to request entrance into the secret world of a "brain research center".

noone took notice of me as i wandered, rather aimlessly in the center. so i had to ask 3 people (all of whom are doctors so i felt rather intimidated!), before i was correctly directed to a dr. donald yeo. he was young, bright, quirky, intelligent looking, obviously passionate about brain research, and yet, managing to be quiet, making him more astute than i'm sure he really is. i was quickly interviewed (maybe 5mins) n' once he was sufficiently pleased with what i'd answered, he'd went on to briefing me on the what nots* of the program.

so am i in???
nopes. not so easy laaaa...

so. basically, i have been accepted into an observatory/probationary program in SGH brain research center as a sit in apprentice. i am currently part of a research team, researching on dementia and stroke patients n' the effects of certain medicine. going into the details of the research would only bore u to tears - so. i shall stick to talking about my position. no. im not employed yet. instead, i am to sit in therapy sessions (whenever possible, which for me is possibly everyday cos im not employed) and observing the real "experts" at work. so really... this is what i need. after all, the in the course of my 3 yrs undergraduate studies to be a shrink, never once was i really told of the real psychology work in practice! so this one whole nxt mth, until mid feb; when i'll be sitting for my exam (and insyaAllah pass it too so i can be an official grad), i'd be doing this - sitting in with the research coordinator.

i am involved in the "VITATOPS/ ESPIRIT" project. my supervisor is a melayu - an intellectual looking, obviously intelligent young woman; not more than 5 yrs older than me. during the 10am interview donald had us introduce to ea other and exchange contacts. coincidentally, she had a patient coming in at 2pm and offered tt i come in (if i was free, which i was). so yay. there i was, standing smack bang in the middle of a national brain research center, comunicating (AND understanding) with distinguished doctors - making apptmts with them too!!!! surreal. uh-huh! since it was only 10:30, AND i had that lab report to submit at TMC, i travelled all the way back to city hall. slept throughout the whole train ride. i just hope i didnt drool of snored (too loudly!).

the world seemed so much brighter as i made my way to TMC to slot in into the assignment box labelled "MONASH UNIVERSITY" in big bold black letters over the front. MONASH UNIVERSITY - it resounds in my head, i am about to, if not already have, entered the real world. amidst the apprehension n' anxiety over my future, at tt moment, i was suddenly... i was just exhilirated!

syukur alhamdulliah!* -for my placing in life right at this moment.

i had my rejuvenising caramel frap n' window shopped alone in city link. steered clear of robinson, else i wld not be held responsible, if i were to (accidentally) buy the lipgloss. spent around 1/2hr walking? n' then i was back on the mrt, commuting all the way back to jurong east and then to outram park where i frantically walked to blk 3 to meet iris n' 'the patient' at clinic E for my first first first first ever sit in session!

soooo.. my patient kinda passed away n' never made it to the session. i was horribly amused but didnt laugh it out, as us doctors have to be sympathetic. but it just seemed ridiculously funny - my first patient died (before he made it to my session). *remind me not to put that down on my future resumes. so. for the next hr, iris n' i ended up conversing and getting to know ea other. she vehemently encouraged me to pursue my post grad as soon as poss. take this opportunity to set as stepping stone. DID U KNOW?? that there are only THREE miserable MELAYU neuropsychologists in singapore, including her? one is in the police while the other --- i forgot. so anyhowss... she gave me an insight on what i shld work on. n' assure me that that stereotypical idea "that being malay, its more difficult to get employed", dont operate here. in fact, to my ultimate delight, they NEED melayu psychologists. its no surprise really that the melayu community have been under-researched. n' apparently dr. christopher chen, the head of the center, has been throwing at iris ideas on research programs to be undertaken in relation to the melayu society. i believe the current research she's doing at the side is on the malay community awareness on dementia (because, according to statistics, out of the 900 over patients treated with dementia (nyanyuk), only 4% is malays). so, she has to carry our surveys n' studies on the possible reasons (1) unaffordable treatment costs possibly? (2) beliefs? (3) religion? (4) area?

interesting yes??

i dont wanna hope too much cos by the end of this mth, even if the entire experience has been a dream come true, i might still not get the job. apprehensive, i am also as excited at the idea of me as the fourth malay neuropsych? u reckon???? =)

a girl can only dream.

so that was it. i am going to find out outlets to loan from organisations for my post grad studies n' in the mean time, through this experience realise whether or not this is truly the path i wanna go along with.

*this feeling im feeling now. it is definitely better than the feeling of being in love. yes. it is. =)

***
called papa several times today to tell him of whats happening with the job AS WELL AS to relay msgs to ma. for some reason, ma and i, today, seemed to find the wrong-est times to call ea other. so we only ended up with massive numbers of missed calls from ea other. n' u know how unreliable ma's phone is (u dont? ok. so now u do). since i was finished by 3, i made the calls to let mama know i was able to meet her after all. causeway pt is so much more fun-ner when its just the two of us. i love my family really. i dont know.. maybe it comes with being a daughter, or maybe being the ELDEST daughter, so time alone with mums are just scarce. i really enjoy our time along shopping, even if it was ONLY window shopping.

papa joined us after work. heheh! blissful happiness* for an hour or two, i enjoyed the bliss of being an only child. mama bought me the BRIGHT pink top from john little. on top of that, upon hearing the lil ol' excited me gabbing away about the wonders of my (possible) job, pa bought me TWO tops. a jacket (i know. bilanyer nak pakai?!) n' a blouse. all strictly work clothes. oh. i also bought a planner! - finally! a reason other than filling in friends'/ family members' birthdates!!! the three of us had dinner at the kedai kopi behind our blk and then came home.

i dont know why im reporting all these but today just seemed a gd day to go "dear diary..."

i am so tired. and still amidst the last remnants of being overwhelmed.
tmr, i have a session schedueled at 9:30am tmr.
(i hope the patient lives long enough to at least see me!)
gee! i cannot believe after 3 years complaining about research lab reports,
i am pursuing this. research. somehow, even the readings, dry as it may be, sounds more interesting. i think its because i know this research and my teeny weeny lil part of this all actually makes a difference in the world - and ultimately, u know, tts what ive always wanted to do. i would have tried to be a surgeon, but im just too grossed out by the idea of sticking my hands into ppl's guts. maybe some day... for now, im just your personal shrink..

toodles wuvly peoples!
this has been kin in the starz
{{{ - edited*}}}