time: 9:50am
music: someone's watching over me - hillary duff
mood: im no longer angry.
through you, i am crystal clear
as i dance with the wind
n' love the rain
in safe haven, you rest between this one or the other.
n' ...you just watch,
knowingly, that lies deep within,
unsaid, is the mere truth..
that ive always loved you;
this
is
not
make-believe...
***
its strange; how the familiar becomes a memory how it frays at the edges, goes grey and fades out of sight and painfully out of mind
and while you struggle to hold on to the very strands of those stories.
it slips through the cracks between your fingers until it comes to a point where you return to a home you can't remember.
till you pine to see faces that you can't recall and try to fall back into a routine that no longer fits your skin and then it dawns upon you;
that the life you knew is gone but as you search for a way in the center; where the four walls surround you as they close in, and time stretches when it shouldn't know that this death is only temporary;
because, tomorrow you'll start a brand new life.
today our dear friend, shambles, along with our other friends, is embarking on his journey back to melbourne.. where everyone; (cept us ling!) will have an absolutely mind blowing semester, (always) beyond expected, different from the previous, different from the impending ones; where we spent many many many days, active in that designated roles as annoying bratty international dwellers in tt city we so love. as i sit here in this room enveloped within these faded pink walls that had held me by my hand thru my adoloscent years and gifted me the prize of dreams; still dreamt, some fulfilled, i cannot help, but reminisce those days far gone.
maybe, a lil teeny weeny part of me wish it were like any other half-years (the past 4yrs) when i'd count down the days to my return to melbourne. heavy hearted mix of dread, as well as anticipation at the promise of a brand new semester. maybe, i even wished ling, jean n' i were going back there too- where, we cld have wks enclosed, oblivious to the world outside our own, in (one of) our houses, scribble doodles in our organisers at 3am (note the absurd timing), run along glenferrie rd at midnight and share ice cream in the winter cold. perhaps, i also wish it were those impromptu sleepover days when we'd sleep togthere, we'd share clothes or scream for the bathroom at 7 in the morning.
i'd be the morning person n' giggle at absolutely nothing (mostly at ling!),
ling wld nag n' nag in her nyonya specs n' slippers at jean for sleeping in.
we cld have movie marathons at night and sleep thru the days,
have 3 pckts of instant noodles ea., or doll ourselves up just to aimlessly walk in the city past bedtimes n' talk about our prince charming.. or problems, that now, in the light of the-now (the future), seem oh-so-mundane. i miss em all. every single one of them... the boys too. oh! how they'd self invite themselves, when word of wind, of my cooking, (somehow) gets to them.
from the bottom of my heart, i love all of you.
((have a fun semester y'all!))
every new beginning comes from
some other beginning's end.
with us, its been a long time. i'd say.
maybe its the start that made it all sound wrong.
but today, i doubt myself more than i doubted your love for me, a yr ago.
in fact! i think i have been doubting myself since u left.
(it was just so much easier hating you).
and i realise..
maybe it just isnt the right time now. maybe i need more time. maybe. just maybe, you're wrong in ur assumptions about me. but have u ever come to a pit stop in life,
n' wondered? if maybe?? maybe what everyone is telling you
might just be true?
but when is the right time i ask myself ?
knowing perfectly well the answer; which of course is: never.
never is the right time.
never happens without your knowing.
never is that spontaneous whirl wind we look for ea morning..
on your way to work. on your way to sch. u want a never.
but as much as i'd like to take my own advice, set out for the world and grab it by its heart,
i uh-- i .. j..jus-st ..can-nnnot do ..it
love is the physical world manifest
within the spiritual one
so. u tell me,
if love really is that easy?
but, how can it ever be?
unless of course we have fully grasped and can hence live out the spiritual life to its fullest.
but the majority of us cannot; more so in our modern day context.
it is a struggle for me. i try hard everyday..perhaps it may get simpler as i go along but for as long as i am human, i will always be torn between the choices in my head and in my heart.
