liu fell aslp. haha.. so much for staying up the whole night. we gona watch kutch kutch hota hair ey??
going good. i've covered 5 topics of 56. shitterz* im screwed arent i? just say it! yep. i think i am. i know i am! dont really know what to say. cept that i spent the entire day studying. nothing seems to be going in. i'm hoping that during the exams the qns will trigger whatever that i've studied. there just seems so much! im so paranoid! exams! i can't fail! noooo!! i can't. so many people around me think im gona make it. but how can i when the one person that matters dont - ME! i'm screwed. jean juz woke up. we're gona stay up all night to study. i'm not gona sleep till the exams. i'll write in to update you on what's happening. k? haha..
ok ok. quit whinning. i can't wait to go back to singapore. manzzz... the heat, the people, my room, sentosa, causeway pt, orchard. cant wait!!! last night; or was it the night before, ahmad asked me how come i'm so eager to go home. it's funny. even i myself dont know the ans to that qn. it's strange. i remember thinking i'd migrate to aussie regardless whatever - disownership - whatever. cant even remember when all those changed. suddenly, i'm talking about going home to singapore and living with ma and pa and working in a school, most ideally as a sch psychologist? it's strange. yeah? i mean.. hrmm..
i dont know. i guess i've growned up over these years. i've seen and felt what it's like to play around and live as a teenager. i s'pose esp this past year - it has definitely taught me alot. i have no doubt i'm gona be learning more. but ... yeah. i feel so old. so tired that all i wanna do now is sit with my family at the living room at my blk 828 home and watch a tv program together. ma might be sleeping, pa might be yelling at the ref for being unfair, kal might be upstairs strumming his guitar and ika might be whinning - it dont matter. for now, thats' serenity for me. can't wait to go home. did i already mention that?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
hrmm... ms. procastinator has possessed me and i feel like being in the mood to update what happened since the start of 2004.
January 2004: had been working at max&co. for a month then. on new years, i went home. was too tired. fell aslp even before the new years. i briefly thought about last year on new year's when i celebrated it with ahmad. bitter sweet memories. a path i never can go on. was fun. this year, i spent it aslp. i worked the morning shift the next day - that much i can rem. maybe that was why i went to bed even b4 12am. peter came down to sg on the 8th. i was deliriously happy that mth. we didnt get to spend as much time coz of work and on off days, i spent it with dee and family. but it was cool to have someone to have lunch with and send me home - after a day's work. towards the end of the mth - tat was when everything started.
Feb 2004: i broke down. we broke up on the 3rd. he was on the way back to nz. i broke up with him via email and a cruel sms. i cried for days. he was angry. was dead for the next 10days on and off. all i remember before coming back here, i went out with diyar, ahmad, and ain - watched D's floorball match. went on a date with D on the eve of v-day. hah.. great fun! i guess i started having a life then. i left for aussieland on the 15th. i was still dead inside. still cried but noone knows. well... guess its out in the open now. lived at wak imah's till ling back back. moped around. followed her everywhere. hung out with abang and his friends alot. obsessed with "dont want u back, fu*k it" by eamon.
March 2004: cldnt understand why he suddenly disappeared. he started work. seldom sms or email me. he got angry when i stopped too. i was weak. gave in to him and replied whenever he sms and emails. pathetic really - almost like as if i was waiting by my hp for word from him. uni started. i FINALLY moved in with ling and liu. it was fun. they kept me preoccupied. went out everyday at the break of dawn and came back just before midnight. just to keep myself busy i guess. went clubbing a few times. thought that can stop me from thinking. i was instable then. i actually thought he might come down to melby. but evidently he didnt. for his bday, i msg-ed him. he replied. i was still crying almost every night. i was horribly angry at the world. angry at myself mostly. angry at him for walking away. angry at ma and pa. angry at just about everything. obsessed with "for all times" by saluna. - make me miss balwyn and old times there.. sighz*
April 2004: became really close with the guys - raz, umar, farid, sham. easter cup - ling, liu and i became cheerleaders. they lost 3 out of 4 soccer matches. haha.. but it was awesome fun shouting ABANG! ABANG! hahaha.... still hurts that he doesnt sms me. only appears in my life at the slightest hint of my moving on. it still hurts. random crying to sleep. realised i'm easily forgotten by both my exes. am i that worthless? i scored a distinction for a sociology test. YESS!! moved to preston. oh my god! i have so much junk! haha.. but thanks to the guys i managed! hah! see petez! i can do without you! crapz. i hope he dont remember that i have this diary. i stopped clubbing and started hibernating at home. it was good. forced me to come to terms with myself. stopped running. partially anywayz... was obsessed with "here without you": 3 doors down.
May 2004: angry more at the fact that he's moved on so easily and i was still stuck. wrote loadz of poetry to vent out my feelings. it did me good. woke up one day at peace. i believe there's even a long long long entry (much like this one) to commemorate that day. i realised that i broke up with ahmad coz i was tired. i needed time. if peter hadnt been there, i would probably have gone back to ahmad. all i needed was time to breathe. well... peter happened to be there. anywayz. i realised that the love between ahmad and i, it didnt really die. 10 yrs from now, he'll still be my first love - the greatest chapt in my story. i didnt get a chance to be hung up over him. didnt even give us a second chance. maybe at that time i didnt want to give it a second chance coz i was so tired. sometimes i think im still not over ahmad. that line: too much that time cannot erase - that's true. dont think i'll ever will. but that's first love yeah? anywayz.. all these i just realised...
was very very very opposed to love. maybe i still am - but i realised i'm still learning. im still young and i have to open myself up to so many other opportunities. "the one" will come along. hehe. i'm sure of it. i think. although there are moments i wish i had someone. it still scares me - being in a rship. having to "report" to someone else. i think i've forgotten how it feels like to be in love coz im sure if i were, i'd willingly "report" to that person.
kal, lynne, qis and ja came for a visit. kal is still here. it's been awesome. too bad i cant bring him out as often due to the exams and assignments. but it's been real cool to have my bro around. we talk about love alot. along with jean. haha... emo emo emo emo. think it's in our genes. obsessed with "burn" by usher.
June 2004: it started with me finishing off my labbie. phew! so happy. spent the first few days of this mth at ling's with kal. so fun. we went nuts. skipped and jogged and ran along the streets with no care in the world. at their home, we blasted songs and sang along albeit horribly! haha.. kal must think us weird. my fav song this month: "the reason" - hoobastank. exams start on monday. shootzzzzz.... *
T H E
R E A S O N
i'm not a perfect person.
there's many things i wish i didnt do.
but i continue learning
i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want u to know
i've found the reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
i'm sorry that i hurt you
its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put u thru
i wish that i cld take it all away
and be the one who catches all of ur tears
that's why i need u here
i found the reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you.
i'm not a perfect person
i never meant to do those things to you
============================================================================
3 days to exams! im screwed. why am i soooo screwed up in the head. thinking too much into every situation. damn. damnation. look what i'm doing now? when i shld really print out my notes AND STUDY!! - instead, i'm deleting songs!!!!! my lappie's all fat with virus.
thats it. it's official - i'm doing everything BUT study. i woke up at 9am only to go downstairs, watch josie and the pussycats (only the music vids), cleaned up the house, washed the dishes, arranged the pillows on the sofa, wiped the stove, washed all the pots and pans, unload the dishwasher, wiped the cabinets WITH the magic clean spray (!!)and made myself a coffee. thats ALMOST everything BUT study! mannzzz.. do i really wanna fail again? failed once and now? crapz. can't let love destroy me this way again. it's exactly coz of this that failed me the last year. remember? exactly why my grad ceremony will only be in oct. shoots. im screwed. except this year, im worrying about nothing at all. overdose of love songs - thats my problem. now. who can i talk to? all these complications tangled in my head. untangle these webs!
LIBRA = blind justice - i realised. well, kal brought it to light. he read horoscopes. libran is the scale, the only inanimate object. no heart. cold cold heart - that's what i am. a scale in the hands of the court of justice - is it to my convenience that a blindfold is put over his eyes? blind justice. im sure that's what ahmad must think. a libran? scale? justified? hah! yeah... i would know myself better than anyone else - i'm blinded to justice. only justifying things when it's to my benefit. selfish. that's what it's called. idealistic and foolish - that's me. i live in my own world, seeing things only as how i would see it. blinded. blinded by my own fantasies and dreams. foolish. in love. foolish. in life. just foolish.
tear the blindfold away and gorge these eyes out. so i'll truly be blind.
what's wrong with me? why can't i put thinking on hold and just freaking study!? ok. ok. i will. now? jeanie and kalz are still aslp. abang was a wreck last night. i dont know how to reach him. it seems like i'm losing him. or rather, maybe i never really was close with him. maybe that's why even at my most depressed state, i never was able to confide in him. maybe that's why i still felt the need to put on that "strong" facade. i'm giggly and happy. rem? shouldnt let that bother me. i'm here for him if he needs me.
manzzz... i need to get a grip and just submit myself to studying. ma, pa.. think of em.
yepz. will blog later.
ta-ta!
