it is official. im makin it official anyways! i am a self proclaimed; nono. wait. society just declared me as a *low-living-loser. i woke up at 7:30 to get ready for uni to study? nono. no classes/ tuts/ labs/ lects. juz came to study* and yes. i shld really cut out my negative self talk and resurrect the happy-bubbly-jump-around-giggle-non-stop kin.
ok. she's back. im [kinz] back - as of this morning anyways. avril lavigne's songs have a way of making me hate the world. did u know people diagnosed with "depression" or disorders of tt sort see the world as it really/ truly is? its called "depressive realism"; in this diagnostic, indivs see the world as catastrophic in their pessimistic eye. INDEED, the world is catastrophic. all arnd' people killing people. higher rates of prostitution implying the depreciation in self dignity. pollution. loss of traditions. henceforth, i conclude one fact: tt 'normal' people are ironically more sick-in-the-head, deluded in clouds of illusions, foolishly hopeful for the impossibles and generally optimistic of the lil things tt are bleak in this tiring thing we call L I F E..
i miss my late grandma. woke up thinking of her. n' i knew i cldnt fall back to sleep. a week ago, when i ephemeral-ly started out listening to this song [slipped away - avril lavigne] my 1st impression was tt it was prolly gona be another song i'd relate to my exes n' past loves. *in a pathetic loser-ish way, i still get really sad tt my past rships didnt work out as we planned in days of naive-innocence. saddening, more because time, place, circumstances and people change. 'something' changes and everythings different. i was on the train this morning and i found this song to relate to me more about e' people who were in my life; my late nyai, old friends, old best friends, and yes, my exes too. "...the day you slipped away. things were never gona be the same"...
::still does not exist:: looking back, i cannot remember a time when i grew up more than when i was with ps. kin hamzah evolved. sure, she still laughs and giggles. still does jumping jacks, dance n' sing out loud when she thinks noone is looking, fakes smiles and cries once she's safe in clandestine. its me. still "kin" and yet... reverbrations* are now painted into the once-picturesque gallery. t'wasnt just about learning about being independant, cooking, paying bills, budgeting on grocerries, working for money and standing up for my beliefs. rather, it was almost as if 'he' represented everyone in my past who left. people whom i adhere with allegiance in the belief tt "together forever" actually means something; connotes a magnitude in this thing called life. people who left anyways. it seemed like he left and i decided "ive had enough".
so many things in life is transient..." tt's what he used to say. i was foolish. i still am. to still believe tt "together forever" not just in romance, but in ALL relationships, does exist. does it? does forever actually mean something in contemporary today? i dont require an answer. i just feel the need to send these rumifications out into the medium we infamously call the world wide web.
