i break in two over you.
i break in two and each piece of me dies.

dear you,

i led dessicated days until last night.
n' since many months, i cried again.
i was hopelessly indignant in my beliefs;
tt i was really truly over u,
but last night i thought of us again
n' i started missing you n' things back then.
you know, just after those summer days?
right before last fall?
when u were still my smile as i, your sunshine rays.
when the unspoken static between us said it all.

i ache in the insides when i think of how happy we used to be.
of those happy moments when we flew above
devoid of care, as long as t'was u n' me.
n' the only thing tt mattered was our love
pinky promise n' entwined fingers
n' said we were never ever gona let go.
now, whats left are the memories to linger
lil things u said, i have yet to let go.

i know it was crazy then. n' looking back,
we never really figured it out right.
enveloped within our young love.
im sorry i gave u up when i gave up our fight.
i dont know what hurts more.
your nonchalance through your silence
or the possibility u never really cared?

u see, i would just hate myself if i dont love you the way i do.
n' just because there are new players in my tragedy,
players i love n' love me back
regardless,
i really dont think we should stop loving each other ...

maybe i wanna see you again
then again, perhaps i dont.
see, i dont know if i can pretend there's no pain
to know u have moved on leaving me all alone.

well...
maybe all i want u to know is that
in a strange way i am happy.
that i dont hurt as much anymore, dont get as sad.
and that ive stopped hurting myself remembering u
in a way, ive set myself free.

but those ocassional times,
when i do rememeber, i am cascaded by 'if onlys'
happy times of laughs, never sad, only happy.
i hope, in time, i will be strong enough to turn the page
n' perhaps, start writing the first words of the first line
of the first day of my life. .. without you.

stoop dwn low to e' deep end of unscathed n' found i was kidding myself really. spent the past two days here at wak's. love the kids. love the family life. love the dvds. love the food. havent been doing much studying;
which i should BUT just cannot bring myself to.
"corgito ergo sum" - i think, therefore i am. theoretics' nxt up. so not my tha'ng. i know, like a makcik gone off the wrong side of the bed, i've been whinning n' whinging about the shitcraps i gotta study. when really ... in reasonable moments [such as the-now], i think i enjoy it?? well. cept for research methods n' stats - which i really DO not enjoy. i mean. ive wanted to be a shrink since [what feels] like ages! =)

the little black book. a must see.
got me thinking how vastly diff the mind works for men n' women. funny. its like us women, along the yrs, have forgiven men for being the bastards that they sometimes can be.

spoke to ma earlier n' .. urm. i miss home. and yet, CONTRADICTORILY, i am beyond afraid to go home FOR GOOD! i cannot run. n' i reckon i do running really gd. arh. well.