subject: "i am good n' urself?"
time: 7:19pm
music: -papa ngaji-ing-
mood: tired.

the more i think about it,
the more n' more convinced i am
tt formalities are a nuisance.
u know... i can never ever really ever,
formulate a proper reply to howareyou?
only cos at one given moment, i am really a lot of different things.
so really. howareyou? becomes a complex process tt involves my-self-asking,
my over thinking.
the analyst at her busiest.
so, "which one do I settle for?"
cos i am never fine, or just okay, or alright.
n' if say, i were mad, i suppose the correct answer to howareyou?
would be iammadthanksforasking.
but hey! im so predictable, i'd end up with the conventional:
"i'm good. n' urself"
im so pretentious. i digust myself.

just spent the entire day with dee-bestie.
slept late last night, remember? so i pretty much slept in.
apparently, i'd forgotten to unlock my bedroom door so mama cldnt get into my room this morn.
well. it dont matter since i cant solat anyways.
cant believe how dead asleep i was. weird. im usually a light sleeper.
dee's calls woke me up. annoyed. frustrated but she just became jobless n' was pretty torn up about it. so i was bestie to the rescue mumblings consolations.
a semi-asleep bestie to the rescue. but still.
bestie to the rescue nontheless =)
her personal coffee-delivery at my footsteps,
10-ish finally REALLY got me out of bed n' dwnstairs to let her in.

the afternoon was fun-filled with "tom n' jerry" and sour cream pringles still in my pjs with the-dee n' the-ika.
sometimes, it is hard to really accept e' fact tt we're 20 instead of the 16yr olds we acted today.
dolling each other up n' sharing cosmetics like we were. fun fun fun. hehehe*
maybe cos for me, it really feels like the four yrs after when we were 16,
feels to have disappeared. a completely separate entity from my sg-life.
its almost like i have this split life. ok. so not really "like"
i DID have a split life. n' im more convinced than ever tt, say if i were to go to aussie now instead of when i was 16, i'd have made it a more fruitful experience. not saying i regret.
mama did warn me of this syndrome potentially developing;
me missing out on the youth life in sg.
n' its somewhat true; what she said: sometimes, esp those times i spent "hanging out" at ngee ann or nanyang poly with the-friends here ea time i came back on my summer/winter breaks the past 4 yrs, seeing the life here, i feel like an outsider looking in, never really fitting in, alienated, awkward n' honestly, i felt like a blardy pretentious bitch; smiling tt smile, pretending i was one of em' when really inside, i felt completely lost.
cos u know what? i really really think i completely skipped my entire youth n' jumped straight into the -total-freedom-deciding-my-options-consequences-only-bear-on-me-
as opposed to having my parents by me; say if i stayed in sg, to {{{indirectly-if-not}}} dictate my options.
but u know what?
im letting them do tt now.
n' i kinda enjoy letting go.
no more bills to budget into my tight finance, no more cooking healthy meals to stay alive,
no more groccery shopping n' scrimping on junks to make way for veggies n' fruits.
cos the parents are here! n' im enjoying being someone's child now. yeay*
im back to be the good girly. serious.
im not back to party. dont mean i am all partied out from my aussie life.
neither does it imply me the angelic boring kampung bum, i can sometime project myself to be.
im not back to stay out late. dont mean i have a curfew. i really just enjoy the company of my family in the comforts of my own home.

i think dee's talked sense into me.
im not gona rush into post grad.
neither hv i given up on it.
she's pulling some strings n' helping me out
a doctor's assistant at a clinic? woot*
i can take a break n' still be ahead. weeeeeeee =)

anyways. im tired. gona help the screaming mama gift wrap her christmas gifts for her american sch colleagues. yeay. not. an evening of papercuts n' scotch tape kidnapping. HAHAHA.
t'was fun spending the evening w' liz, dee n' raja talking about
the national service,
politics,
racism,
the war in iraq,
epic tales from "archilles" to "alexander the great" to "hang tuah"
oh. n' also lash-hair-loss at twenty. {{{haha}}}

im falling sucessfully into the singaporean regime.
yeay for me. =)