subject: n' still those voices are calling from far away.
time: 2:13am.
music: everywhere - michelle branch
mood: ---

hello gang!
i am finally seeing light after 3 wks of blindness.
i'll explain myself.
yes.. can already feel this a massive entry.
dangerously swaying towards the conventional "dear diary.. today i ..."

its blardy 2:25 in the morn. well, heck. i'd do wtv.

this morning la. i was startled awake w' a bad dream
can't really rem what the deal was. but hell.
woke up to remembering i had sch. n' on a sunday. dang*
bad enough a dream.
was dangerously falling back into slumber when ma entered my rm to wake me up.
t'was 7:30am then. sch at 9 n' pa was sending. time taken to reach destination: 32mins.
so. really. by many, i was up pretty early.
[[if u dont already know. im abit of a paranoid head case. i can cry if im late for sch. even 15mins. yes. head case? yes yes. hur]]
anyways. my mama. so cute she. heard her come into my ice-box rm.
her "lembut" prodding to wake me up.
n' then she crawled under my covers with me!!!
i snuggled n' cuddled her n' we slept for say.. 10mins? shweet! I LOVE MY MOTHER! =)

pa sent me to sch in the "royal-premacy-carriage"
n' drowned in early morning dew,
i fell in love
with the melody of the gamilan n' queried pa everything to know about my jawa background.
my yot {{great grand dada}}, the culture, the legends, the language.
t'was just like urhm 3 generations ago tt all of them, communicated in bahasa jawa, wear those cute batik n' tube tops {{ooh. sexy}}, n' maybe even fly from tree to tree.
like dang! so cool!
blame kals. who recently bought the "rasuk" album...
so YES! i prod youS; esp you jawa youths.
yes the VERY-yOUS! hiding behind
those 'i'm-too-cool-for-those-melayu/jawa/oranythingtraditional-jiwang-songs' masks,
to seek interest in this facet of the jawa culture.
ooohhhhhh!!!!!!!!
i wanna learn the dance.
i wanna learn the language.
is there a "society" in sg? sad if we let the rich culture die.
my aunts are planning an expedition to jawa.
i wanna go!
n' yes. unlike my prev statement about wanting a simple wedding one day,
without the bride/groom -changing-attire-every-hour-tt-us-melayu/jawa/boyan/bugis/etc. ppl have made a tradition of,
i really wanna stick those intricate-gold-thingies into my fake hair-bun n' be doned w' heavy materials the jawa way. be made up with expressive make-up .. cos apparently, the way the eyes, the mouth, well. urm the face la; the way its portrayed - its a language in itself.
so. like urhm. nice la.
[[ma, i apologise for my "urgh" faces i made whilst growing up whenever u comment yet humbly how beautiful pa n' u looked, doned in jawa costumes at ur wedding. so. no. u dont look weird in ur wedding photos. i understand now]] =)

got to sch at 9:03am. relax kins. breathe.
school was empty. n' i wondered if i got the wrong date.
anyways. class. there was. only 3 students. hah.
cos today was one-to-one-draft-presentation-day.
n' i'd went to class without a first-draft. my bad. i forgot all about it.
cant blame me. i spent the last 4 yrs
bad habit. yarrr i know. but assignments; its illegal to muse n' ponder about 2 wks prior to submission. {{which is what it is now. 2 weeks to submission}}.
my day started out with sore arms n' legs. yes yes. serve me right. late night out before a sch day?
sunday. yeah.. still. a school day.
anyways, i had a looooonnnnggg convo with my ultra cool tutor
to subtly seek advise as to what i shld do.

what she said made sense la:
im only, but twenty. want it or not, being twenty; no-no. not really the most reliable age.
twentyyrolds - commitment-runaways. inexperienced. lack-of. u know the package.
the million dollar qn of course is: which dumb-ass company would be willing to take in a 20 yr old inexperience; ok with degree but still, girl who's a dodo-head AND headcase like me??
besides. singapore psych soc states tt one would have to really have 2 yrs of psych-related experience before really taken seriously
but u see, i REALLY REALLY REALLY like... RRRRREEEAaaLLLYY dont wanna waste 2 yrs? u know? n' i realllllllllllyyyyy; wanna do post grad studies.
ok so im not on the honor roll but aisha {{my tutor}} did say tt psych students almost never get a 70% pass. no. seriously! we dont!
i dont wish for more. im syukur tt i passed at least.
post grad studies is basically 4th n' 5th yr uni.
conducting my own research programs n' GULP* writing a thesis! =/
but i really really wanna do. i've had the head start right?
so. why wait.. for others to catch up??
kinda would defeat the purpose of gg abroad earlier than normal
then, everything i experienced "thrown-into-growing-up" experiences would be fruitless.
u know?
sighs*
post grad issues vs. the no-go-financials.
this is what she proposes:
get a no-brainer job which will not require homework after work time.
fixed time with fixed reasonable salary.
if poss get a loan for immediate sem this march.
else, work for maybe 4-5mths just for the sake of saving enough fundings for entrance in july?
u reckon?? im so excited i can take it from sg!!!!!!!
i mean. i'd thot. this is it. back to sg for gd = no more studying days.
i mean, c'mon! u dont really think i'd hope ma n' pa would let me back to melby do u??
i know. im meant to help ma n' pa repay all loans. so how?? how how how.
on the other hand. post grad studies go on for 2 yrs. JUST two more yrs n' i'll be a step ahead than JUST A basic degree.
then by then, armed with a post grad cert,
at the age of 22 or 23.. i'd be generally regarded "trustworthy" in the eyes of multimillion dollar corporations? voila!

i dont know.
ok. dreaming n' shit has me tired.
its past 3am.
dee suggested a jog tmr morn. gulp*
we might just end up at e' prata shop for breaky. in our fitness attire! HAHA.
dee wants to go to the zoo tmr.
bring ika. we shall see.
lings; i miss u la! =)

oh. b4 i go. tis' a poem me wrote at a whim.
reflects my position in life now.
"exploratory-phase" we shrinks say.
peace. nights. morning. gdnoon. uhrm. good day?

be courageous now
let those hands meddle
in the velveteen
unknown
the underbed of
what has grown
where none will speak with
a suicide tongue
where no one will weep
for have gone numb
where names have been changed
& given away
where faces are blurred in
the cordouroy day
where scars become curiously
without date
where life is a movie written
on a clean slate
where the mind has been washed
away from the shore
& footprints are backtracked
& seen nevermore

no yesters, only morrows
its where all strangers lie
its where your misery is drowned
its where you say goodbye

& memory becomes only
a memory itself