time: 8:21am
music: 10,000 promises - backstreet boys
mood: idle.
some things are just better left unsaid, abandoned in the heap of memoirs unwritten and collecting dust in piles of near-regrets, near-deaths, near-hate. when you feel your blood gushing through your veins and see the green lines drawn out on your calves as you tiptoe to reach for a diary telling tales of those happy-happy times (you cannot (or dont think u want back?)), u stashed at the back of your closet, you know this is pain, this is numbminding pain, the pain that slits your wrists (not when your wrists are slit), the unforgiving cancer that eats your heart till all you see is hues and grays. you check your life - the emails, the text messages, the pictures, the promised, your room, the coffee stained mug, and u hear the melayu song telling your story in its jiwang way it can - and you realise this was the same like yesterday, the day before, the weekend ago, the year ago *reflect*, twenty blardy years since you saw the sky. and you think how lucky, (but you pause), how sad, how happy n' sad. how lucky n' unlucky you have been. when you fall it hits you hard, not a gentle slip into the drain, or a bump on your chest, but a nerve-twitching, vertebrate-crumbling, breath-laden effect, and the last memory of standing was you scrutinizing someone elses' life, that..funnily (??) seem all too familiar, it feels like its your own. and you know, you know, this is it. this is your life. this has always been. one second too late, two seconds too quick, too little to hold on to, too much to give, but you sigh and you smile and you cry for it to stop, knowing it won't and you pray you'd die leaving loners sweet goodbyes. how lonely, how sad, the world turns and you burn.
***
yesterday was not short of awesome and got me thinking, at the end of the day, how lucky i am to have a family who cares and loves and bothers (too much sometimes), friends i trust and click with, and... ho-kayyy.. i might still have those screwed up ideas of the male species. but im not alone, so im perfectly normal. in fact, i think i was just abit slow in realising. conclusion: im not abnormal, as many have thot i am. so. yay* pour moi! =)
much the trend lately, i've been bangun-ing and bangkit-ing (getting up, showered and actually UP. not up, and then lie arnd n' getting up an hr later) at 6:30-ish. and yesterday was no exception; at 7am, after much perusing, i decided to forgo the whole gd student act n' skip the final final final tutorial for my undergrad studies. there are several reasons for this. firstly, i do not consider TMC my sch (its not even a sch! its a friggin run-dwn-building w' fugly yellow walls!); secondly, attendance are not taken into account (magic words for students really) AND, thirdly, the whole 2hrs would probably be a session of why freud was horny, why jung decided to be a bitch and come up different terms with diff definitions for the exact same blardy phenomenas! well, things like that, that wont help me pass my exam. uh-huh. passing would be me dwlding the lect notes n' starting my revision now.
so, after much self-inflicted debate with.. uh. the self (??) n' coming up with the above-mentioned conclusion (ie- not go to class), i decided to join the family rishy-rushing to send the-brother to work at 8. if u dont already know, the-indivssable-family goes in a unit of 5, minimum; 5. ha-ha. nono. exaggeration. honest. i am truly lucky to still be a huge part of the-family even tho im semi-adult, i still get along with the-lil-sister despite the 10yrs difference in our ages. and im still as manja and as close to my mama (sometimes unhealthy-ly) that i tell her everything. i sometimes think, im much an introvert, or too timid in adult situations cos im too close to my ma and being close to someone else not her, i see as betrayal. i know wak imah thinks tt. arh well...
had the traditional telur setengah masak, kaya toast n' kopi at vista pt. somehow, we got to the topic of why there's a huge gap in papa's family. see, in the past 20yrs of my life, as far as i can remember, "papa's family" always always, only comprised of my 5 aunts and uncles (papa's siblings) and their offsprings (my cousins). ocassionally, my nyai's sister and then, there's this huge gap of "people we're very much related to, but something happenned that has made us strangers". i went to a wedding once, quite a long while ago (before aussie i think), of someone, whom i thought was another one of those distant cousins mama usually take the liberty of term-ing them "family". shocked, i was, when i got to know, that she (or maybe it was a he?? i cant rem), was my direct cousin!!! the strange twilight-ish thing was, the kendarat was full of girls who were mirror images of my, sister and i! i swear i saw me in a blue kebaya carrying a tray full of dirty plates. she looked so much like me, i swear i double checked to ascertain tt i was wearing my white kebaya, and i wasnt experiencing an out-of-body experience!!!
they were very close, he said.
childhood bestfriends, best cousins, all a mere year or two apart, who grew up tog. sch holidays were looked forward and spent at a british counsulate's huge white house on institution hill; where my yot (their nyai) worked as a nanny all her life (its been replaced by a cold set of condominiums now; we went yest cos pa wanted to show us the tree house they played in. THEY HAD A TREE HOUSE!). digressing: apparently, the childless english couple loved my yot so much that they named her the heir to their estate. naturally, my dad and my 3 estranged uncles were the next in line. and my dad being the oldest of the lot... dang* shld have claimed for the property!.. anyways, they were so close that they lived tog thru a few yrs when the family was hit by a few personal tragedies; so my yayi took them in. then ... growing up, and life, and money had to happen. after some some 18 yrs of misunderstanding, an unfulfilled promise, high prides, and undue politics, we've become what we are now - estranged to each other; the very few people who look much like you, for strangers to know without knowing, you're family.. ain't tt sad?
since the days of romeo and juliet, there'd been countless star-crossed lovers - love stories not meant for happy endings (mine included i suppose). i reckon r&j set a curse on the world with their deaths. or maybe, they made it cool? hurrr* so, papa told me stories of those star-crossed lovers, those few hearts that were broken once upon a time ago, belonging to, to much of my surprise, some of my bibiks and pamans; i know now to have relatively happy marriages and beautiful kids too. and for some reason, knowing this kinda consoled me. maybe, getting hearts broken isnt tt big a tragedy; all these questioning, all these uncertainty and emotional turbulence, maybe they are just part of growing up. i mean, once upon a time ago, kal pulling out all my barbie dolls heads out of their perfect figured bodies, n' stomping on my doll house after an hr of "spring clean" were tragedies!
my bibiks and pamans are happy now. im not gurantee-ing happy endings. just a consolation - its ok to still feel resentment, to feel a loss, or reminisce cos happily married people do that too; of a past love story that just was not meant to be. i even urge u to perhaps, even ask your parents (usually mums are more agreeable) of their love-stories-not-meant-to-be!.. unless, your parents are the first love then got married afterwards kind.
labrador park is beautiful! after the educational trip to institution hill (all the way from vista to see if the hse is still there!!), the-family somehow sishayed to labrador park where we explored all the way up the forrested trail, and read numerous boards with historical narrations and all those beautiful in an eerie way, war monuments n' huge weapons which were wayyyy cool! i thought only fort siloso had that. hehe! the forrested trail was abit eerie. like u know it wld be the last place u'd wanna be at, when night falls - the drapping, freakily-well-arranged vines hanging from the tall trees, the crickets that got louder with ea step we took deeper into the mess. its awesome though, that singapura still has these.
so..we decided to come back nxt wkened more appropriately attired n' with the brother. cant wait! i love it when my family explore history! we partay it up this way!
***
*the us (without zif who was obviously the appointed cam-man)
**the food galore. notice the very anti-climatic whip cream at the side? =/
went to cwp to hang with lis, and her friends, ryehan and baida, in the evening. oooohh.. fun! had cakes at cavana (i reckon the ones at greccos are better AND bigger!!!) and watched the best of bsb. yes. u got it right the first time; BACKSTREET BOYS! oh my goshness.. the kentalan we were. it was maaaddd! we were singing along and some parts *horror* even without looking at the karoke lyrics on the screen! it did us gd i suppose - suddenly our troubles were far and gone, and we were back to being 14 yr old bsb groupies all over again. and hey! for the record, i still think they are the best boy band ever!!
right. so... eventually, yazif and az joined us and at about 9:30, after being abruptly and quite rudely (i reckon), shoo-ed away by the cavana very zombie-like patrons (i reckon it was the bsb tt was killing them), we roamed rather aimlessly in cwp. we decided to go to mackers (the civic one) at this pt in time, just cos we cldnt think of any place else tt wld be "hang-able". it was fun. times like last night ... just (new-found) friends from different walks of life talking about our mundane lives. so yes. after 6 missed calls from HQ, we ended up going home at 11, where the-brother asked if i had a boyfriend already - an assumption based on my late-night out. hurrr?????
so. hola to my new found friends ryehan and baida.
a telepathy gdmorning to the D in tracom (who has decided to vanish for 3mths?)
be nice to yourself to a dear-lis-sie.
and thanks az n' zif, for sending us home!
alright. ive spasm enough bull. so.. hmm.. ok! toodleyouuuu!
gdmorning world! =)
