subject: the game.
time: 11:54pm
music: running - no doubt.
mood: rantfool.

... because this is the sort of place i want to be, for me - the frustrating, countless number of times when there is always too much, too little or nothing at all to say; that makes me afraid to come home every night. when i know time will stand still, the world is mine own, i am myself - these nights, i detach a heart and doubt. at the end of this entry i will wish i never had a heart, becos i dont like feeling. i hate stupid lovesongs. i hate when empty light cast promising shadows of me and me alone. tonight, venus is so much a hopeless euphoric epiphany with as much clarity as there are incoherences. how much longer am i gona do this? she's right. red alert. no. stay. do i want to be here?
... what would it be like?, walking next to venus. distance; warmth n' shockwaves ripping through the deepest cavities of my every sadness; holding hands and only mere millimeters apart. i dont need to look for venus among a crowd. i dont want to anticipate venus' infiltration once again into my convoluted world. sidestep venus. go away. how much longer am i gona do this? they're right. stall. go. no. stay.safe. sorry.
... dear aphrodite, many sad nights i walked, i cried heartwreched, along broken tangents. how a life can seem so long to live. i begged. i promised only for the better tomorrow. for the ability to one day grasp tight onto words once again. so maybe, i can fold them into paper notes and send my heart off to sea-line with a thousand despite-everything-i-will-give-you-my-all, my infinite mistakes, and maybe even more apologies for every minute sin i ever committed. i'm sorry. the garden of eden, as we lose inside, a desperate hand of roulette ridden for shipwreck. above it all, venus will hold my heart on a swivel that i shall place upon a grain in the sand like the warmth i once traced through my fingertips the line on the corner of your eye each time you smile. what am i doing?
... this is a sort-of revelation. i think i might (still) be too much in love with sadness. laughoutloud. so i lie. i am ok now. i promise. but once upon a night, i shall be here, with wasted ink, tranquil pen in hand, to document all my failures. i guess i'm just looking for a lack of space between us; a space we fit into; nothing more nothing less. nothing less.

tonight i think it would be best to answer myself in lies.

i'm at ease, and now, now i feel weightless . . .

i wish i dont have a heart.
i wish i made more sense.

in any case, gdnight. i can sleep now.